Negative vs. Positive vibes

A wise man once said,
"Scream, shout...Do whatever you have to do to let it out."
My interpretation came at a cost,
I walked right back to the beginning.

See, what I thought was an out, was actually a trap. I have definitely been to hell and back and then back to hell again in the last month. But that is the thing about resilience. I refuse to stay down. I am all that I set out to be. Where I have been does not define who I am.

I have found myself absolutely at a loss because....HUMANS!
Two years ago, I vowed to be self reliant, I mean, I am a strong independent black woman!
Clearly things did not go as planned because at the first sight of "I love you", I was in...head first!
Got me thinking, what is it about us that makes us believe you need someone else to be complete? Why are we built with the soul mate complex? Do they even exist or is it society that makes us feel that being alone is not acceptable?

I walked away from that relationship 5 days later...Reasons, very simple. I felt like I had to tone down who I was to make it comfortable for someone else. See, I am a very emotional person who happens to be working on being more vocal about more things that make me uncomfortable. The guy I was seeing chose to ignore that and focus on the good. I kept thinking of the peace life principles (yeah, I totally made that up), "keeping negativity out of your life", " if it costs you your peace, it is too expensive". I then figured this doesn't just apply to me right? I cant be out here expecting someone to bend because I am feeling a bit down. if I believe in positive vibes, then the other person can choose to eliminate negative vibes, which on this particular events were me.  But then again, life is not just the ups, there are more downs than ups. But knowing this, and trying to preserve one's peace,does it mean," bend and be more accommodating" or "Take me as I am, if it requires change, or disturbs my peace, I do not want it.

Which one is it? How do I choose me and at the same time not shut myself out of life chances out of stubbornness? How far does one bend or do I even have to bend at all, just so I do not end up alone?
what Is so scary about being alone anyway?

Falling...

Like a moth drawn to a flame, I am crashing.
Everything that once made sense seems to have taken a wrong turn.
I wish i understood,but the reality is,
I have forgotten who I used to be.

Taking a deep breath,
looking at the reflection in the mirror,
"I know who I am", she says,
yet he stares blankly back at her.

I am a storm in the midst of your calm,
The water your thirst never knew it needed,
The voice in your head that dares you to be great...
I am life as you wish it to be,
Light at the end of your tunnel ,
Yet you sit in darkness contemplating the length of the journey instead of just living.

I am the courage you wish you had,
The carrier of regrets you never knew you had,
Your helping hand when you think you have fallen.
For they do say, when you have hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but up.
What they do not tell you is that rock bottom might be hell...
and hell definitely has a basement...

I have fallen,
For in the fulfillment of life as I wish to know it
I am learning of life as it wishes to be known.
For to be truly alive may not be living on the edge
To be really alive doesn't have to be a fight,
Yet, like a moth drawn to a flame, I am suddenly jolted back to me.
"I have forgotten who I am"

"I am the calm after the storm,
The rain in the desert,
Greatness personified,
The journey worth taking...", he says.
Looking at my reflection, she stares back at me
I am crashing back into me

Starting over... Again...

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." 

-John Bingham, 

This is the hard part. Sometimes you have to start several times. - SDSSS Barmania

Better the devil you know

Do we ever end up where we thought we would? 

I guess not. 

We trade the fights for the kids.

We trade the love for comfort.

We trade the forever for now.

I used to think I had it figured out.

Fairytale laughter... 

7 kids in a snow white home

Enough gold yarn spun to set me for life.

Guess it was what I thought I was working towards.

Took a couple of heart breaks to see reality.

What is the devil I know?

Why was my devil never enough?

Why was my devil a devil?

The way I see it, your devil was not "your" devil.

The evil you possess now makes you think the other devil was better.

But who says it has to be another devil?

Why settle for another evil

Why settle at all...

I refuse to believe that the devil you know is better than the devil you do not.

I refuse to believe you traded a crappy hand.

In reality, we all just trying to find the perfect devil.

The only question is "Am I patient enough to wait for my devil"

Closely tailed by "Will I be able to recognise my devil crashing towards me?"

Maybe it is not better the devil you know

But better the devil that knows you,

And treats you like the angel you were meant to be

3 Short stories, A compilation: Narcissism

Looking in the mirror, 

captivated by my beauty, 

I could never stare elsewhere. 

The lighting was perfect, 

reflected a side of me that wasn't true, 

but still, beautiful to look at. 

- Shaun Usher

Undeniable beauty slowly looks me up... 

Then down...

A pity my shadow will never experience what the image beyond the mirror sees. 

To whom it may concern...

Sight seeing - Johnny Rain

I think I've found my replacement.

You know, they say time is patience,

As things only got better the deeper we got in conversation.

Until she said, "I'm engaged",

And I said, "Congratulations."

If she could read my mind, she'd probably kill me, damn my heart is aching. 

Nothing…. Nothing?

Really fucken NOTHING!

It is not NOTHING, I said, “Congratulations”

I died with every letter I typed, So no, it is not nothing.

But what does one say when the light disappears?

What does one say when they forget to breathe?

What does one say when the one supposed to love them shatters their whole world?

I did not disappear, I seized to exist…I forgot to live… I stopped breathing.

It is not about fucking up my world,

How do you further destroy something that is already demolished?

Funny enough I think the last few months prepared me for this moment.

I have learnt to be non-existent. To not feel.

I have cried all my tears for you,

I have made my peace with you.

I will always love you, but this you can never undo.

I tried coming up with more excuses for you,

But I know this time it is not up to me.

It is not for me, I cannot do this anymore.

I am scared to talk to you,

Not because I am angry, mad, sad or in pain.

I am afraid I will never be able to close that door.

I am afraid I will never stop loving you.

Not that I will, but it, staring me in the face is worse than just knowing.

I’d rather know than yearn for it.

I’d rather know than pretend it never existed.

I’d rather know and keep it safely locked away, if that makes sense.

I’m afraid I’ll unravel.

A mad man's advice

"It’s hard to see your worth through the pain that consumes your mind. But you have worth and the world around you knows it, sad truth is that the only view that matters is your own.

Embrace your anger bra. Flip out, scream, call him all the names under the sun, shout at yourself for allowing him this power over you, for giving him this access to your person.

Don’t remain in it, move through it. Know that at the end you better for it. The f’d up thing about this is that you cant go back to who you used to be, you need a new you. Only you can find that..

This my mad man’s advice" -Shaun Usher

My Diary...

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I literally just mended my heart and broke it myself. That’s a whole lot of insane on another level. The thing they do not tell you about growing up is that we do not actually grow up. We go around in circles thinking we have figured shit out, but really what do we know.

I started writing again a few weeks back, hoping it will be my coping mechanism… Go back to the beginning, fix the source, then the future magically falls into place.

I was wrong… I was so wrong. These sober moments are my weakness…

Children of the sun

Come sit with me

Let me tell you a story of someone I once knew

Long ago, a child was born

A child not wanted

A child so loved

It was a dark cold night filled with romance

Candle lit with screams of pain and gratitude

They say that's how she got her complexion

Sizzling flame of red with a touch of yellow

She looked just like him

Was made just for the one that waited

Her raging demons just like his

Eyes that could read through his soul

And hands that only matched the creases and curves of his unblemished face

He had scars she had seen come to life

Changing gears through the pain just so the stars were aligned

She lived to nag and he to annoy

Yet nothing so beautiful had ever been crafted

In their imperfections they were perfect

Creatures made to withstand the coldest of storms

Wild fire

My heart burns for you

My heart yearns for you

My soul craves your touch

Tell me you love me

The promises we sang

Our childhood memories remember the lyrics

It's like pictures set in stone

For I am yours and you are mine

Tame me

Redeem my spirit

Fire up the cold surrounding my heart

Remind me of the wild fire that only raging flames spit

For just as I carved my path to ruin

You saw greatness in mayhem

Just as our emotions were spiraling out of control

Only you and I could relate

We were the wild ones...

Incoherent thoughts over wine

Can you hear me?
Do you see me?
Am I real?
Is this all in my head?
I was once like you,
Happy to just be here...
Happy to sit and observe.
That is all I did,
That is how my story will be remembered.
I do not wish it to be so.
I wanna raise hell and drop the heavens,
Find my perfection in your imperfections,
Fix you to match what I call ideal...
Maybe that is where I went wrong...
The only thing I can be sure of is the reality of where I am,
How I am feeling,
And what has brought me here.
They say hurt people hurt people,
What I've seen is that the most wounded people spend their lives trying to fix other people.
I guess it makes us think we are undoing the hurt inside.
Maybe I am wrong.
All I do know is,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.

Beyond This Hour

There comes a moment in life, when everything is supposed to make sense, but nothing fits. That is the moment when you realize you may have reached your ceiling, overextended yourself, or better yet, you done fucked up big time. This is that moment.

“Marred is my sight beyond the hour ahead, my future knows me not, nor I my future. 

We are not acquainted with the joys and the sadness we each possess. 

I only know my present, intimately, and this present holds me hostage”

-Shaun Usher

My diary

So I am going through a low. I thought I paid the piper but that was a lie I thought I could maintain and get through. See, I thought I could just walk away and I couldn’t. I thought I could be your friend but I couldn’t. It is a constant battle on what happiness means…on what being alive is. I think for so long I took for granted what I had been given… now I see it staring me point blank unflinching. I know I am caught in a cross road of my own making and I wanna give up. It is just not in my blood, yet I need to calm the storm building up within me or I might just ruin a beautiful soul.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up

No medicine is strong enough

Someone help me, I'm crawling in my skin

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can't

It isn't in my blood
-Shawn Mendes

'Cause I can't let you lose yourself

Looking for me

And I can't let you make me your, Your everything

I just wanna be an escape

Baby can we escape?

-Kehlani

And I hope I never see the day that you move on and be happy without me

What’s my hand without your heart to hold?

I don’t know what I'm living for If I’m living without you

All my friends, they know and it's true

I don't know who I am without you

I've got it bad, baby

Oh, tell me you love me

I need someone on days like this, I do

-Demi Lovato

The reason "WHY"

We once spoke of how "him" and "his"  girl were hurting each other on social media, tryna show who's happier.

I just realized you were my light for so long, I didn't even notice you throw the first stone.

You're not the remedy but the trigger. It took another anxiety attack to pick it up.

I am trying so hard to keep it together, but I'm failing... I'm falling apart.

What I do not get is that, through it all… I still see you as perfect.

Fear...

The truth is I'm scared.
I've never been so scared in my life.
It feels as though I'm not living my life.
It seems as though I'm physically present just for roll call.

I wake up and I'm amazed I'm still here
I look around me and I do not recognize anything or anyone
I walk around proud and tall, yet I do not know where I'm headed
One thing I know, you brought this fear on me

I've never been so uncertain in my life,
It scares me and breaks me down that they see it.
I've lost all respect for my reflection,
For they look at me with sadness and pity.

I wanna sink to the ground and take it,
Accept the stares and watch them see the fear in my eyes.
My feet won't let me fall so I hold on,
I hold on long enough to keep my sanity.

I dance now...
It keeps the demons at bay,
For I think if they see me smile they'll see the happiness.
As long as they don't see the fear then I'm not scared right?
Yet I am scared... I'm terrified that one day I'll forget to smile.

Never let the fear of striking out

Keep you away from the game.

-On this particular day, Your namesake

The best damn thing

I lost the best thing in my life because of pride.. 
Because I knew not of sharing. 
Cause I couldn't get over myself and space to be open to love. 
Now I see you with her and it kills me. 
All because I fucked up. 
Maybe this is what they mean about wanting something I can't have.

I want to reach out and say hi,

Start from the very beginning

Or maybe that is the problem
Maybe at the core of it all we are still the same  teenagers
Still jumping the fence and stealing kisses in hotel rooms

I want to disrupt your peace and make my presence felt
But how fair is that to you when I do not know whether its for you or for me
For me to feel if it was worth it or not
For you to not give up on me.

How late is too late anyway?
As I spend sleepless nights debating "Can you forgive me?"
"If this was a perfect world and I told you I loved you, would you love me back?"
I keep fighting this battles on my own cause, haven't we done this before?

I fcuked up and lost the one I loved because of pride...
Yet still imprisoned I wonder...
Is this silence worth it?
What is more pain if I am already hurting?
Maybe it is true,You don't always get what you want
Still knowing doesn't make it hurt any less

Breathe... You are still alive!

Let go, I let my voice be heard, then listen for the echo
My own reverb is playing 'cause I'm a movement

There's dissonance, sometimes I make mistake
Oh, I'm human after all, I'm not your expectations

But play, rest, repeat, that's what they ask of me

Just stick to this melody and stay between the lines

But I'll play what's best for me

I'll ring the bells and crash the cymbals, my harmonious design

- Alessia Cara

I want to live

I want to feel the air and sun on my face

I need to wake up

I need to be alive

A Hopeless romantic's Incoherent stories - A medley

I can go on for life Thinking of what could be
And that would be my mistake
Knowing you would never know
the things I know can be
For stored in my memory are fragments of words never said
A story never told

It begins the day we met,
For you stared and I lingered
Little did I know the repercussions
For a story never told, this one had an ending

For as I was yours you were mine
Days filled with sunrises and happy endings
Sunsets with laughter and endless sunshine
For I would be your daylight
As you are my knight
Save me from my transgressions
As I fail myself before you

Cause before you I knew not of myself
Yet I find myself planning our forever
And then I realise
I'm not a hopeless romantic
Yet I am hopelessly in love with you

 "girl what your name"
 "hi, nice to meet you" I say
Dazzled by your light
Maybe I am a hopeless romantic

I stare back at you,
Then you smile at me
All the words unspoken coming to life
"Hi, my name is Awesome"
But then I wake up
Realizing what could have been
And so believing I might be a hopeless romantic

*Words written after 24 hours with no sleep,

A 6 hour drive,

A couple too many G&Ts,

Good laughs,

Broken hearts

And pining for a long remembered past.

It was 4:45am, the 1^st  morning of January 2018 

One thing I am sure of

I fucked up... 
I lost the best thing in my life because of pride.. 
Because I knew not of sharing. 
Cause I couldn't get over myself and 'my' space to be open to love. 

Now I see u with her n it kills me. 
All because I fucked up. 
Maybe this is what they mean about wanting something I can't have.
It's like trying to gasp for air and not remembering how to breathe.

I tried to fight this feeling, and for the longest time I felt like a failure
For I failed you and myself.
For once in my life I feel like I am sure of one thing
Yet you were sure from the beginning and I laughed at you.

Now I see you happy with her.
It hurts that it is her but I made my bed right.
As late as it is,
The thing is you.