My Diary

March 2012

So.... Going through major changes in my life, they let me loose and told me when it was too late...

Letting go...

Closing my eyes shut,
I keep hoping my tears wont spill out.
Taking in that one last breath,
hurts knowing I wont be able to see your face again...

A choice I am making, to keep walking...
Hopefully I never have to look back
And if I do, I wont freeze in my tracks..

This rhyme thing you have made me want to try
still I am not made for it as my words are left to hang dry
so with this line I'll stop,
and hopefully try to pen out whats in my heart.... \('⌣')/

So lately I have been thinking about to be or not to be...
What defines a person, what defines me...? I keep wondering if it is the company I keep, or who I am when I get to be alone. I mean, If I am defined by the people around me, and eventually  become scared to enjoy our own company, then who am I?

Quite recently, I found myself enjoying a drink... by myself... A friend said it was sad.
Maybe it was sad that I had to drink by myself, but I think it's even more sad if I need a drink, and I can't have one because my friend is not available. It's all about being comfortable in your own zone, so they say, but how does one do that when they've never been in their own zone.

I am not comfortable being on my own on some days, and sometimes I have to try and live with me... It's a struggle, but something I have to learn... I am not lonely, I just chose to be alone on most days... And on those days, I have so much fun getting to be in my zone...

My diary

"Trapped in the emotions of my own making...

 Tears I feel, yet I love you is what escapes my lips...

 Tell me why do we feel if it hurts to do so...

 Why do I feel when it hurts to do so...?"

What makes me stronger?

For a long time I was fed with Cipralex,
Told to sleep on Adco-Zopimed...
Alternate with Trepiline for a more filling day...
Who would have thought I would one day depend on Sandoz fluoxetine just to smile all day
Clearly not the life I envisioned for myself.

Curled up on my bed,

Trying not to let my life pass me by,
I am a strong being I say,
I am here for a purpose I “believe”,
Yet tomorrow creeps right by me and refuses to listen to my chants.

‘I used to believe...!’ I scream...

Crumbling to my knees as my feet refuse to hold me up.
Head hung with shame for all I have left is an outline of belief with nothing solid to hold on to...
 

Blood used to run through my veins

Pump through my heart...
Now I smile with no life in my eyes b’cause my mind has been programmed to do so,
Yet my heart feels nothing.

You ask why I still ask tomorrow to wait and listen...

I keep believing that one day I will believe,
And when I do believe,
Tomorrow will be here to see me through today.

My diary

Jan 2012

As I grow older, through what I experiance, be it first hand or observed, these are the little things about me I want to remember...

Sometimes it's a yes... sometimes, I don't know

The heart wants what it wants... So I have been told.
What they dont tell you is that sometimes you know what it is it wants, and sometimes what it wants doesn't make sense... Well, it is what it wants right?

Exit wounds...

According to the dictionary, it's a wound made by a bullet or projectile that passes through the body, according to the 'urban' dictionary...guess you can find that out yourself... According to me... It takes a long time to heal.

In life we go through a lot of unpleasant situations, fact is they may not have been unpleasant initially, reality is, whatever the case in the ‘end’ they leave a wound. This wound I  call an exit wound. Some of us display this wound with pride, and wear the scar as a reminder of where we have been. Some of us love to pretend there was no wound, and so life goes on.

I remember a friend who had a painful childhood, parents had a nasty divorce and she was stuck in-between... she came out of the situation strong, hopeful and determined to prove that what happened there is not what was supposed to happen.

On the hand, my other friend’s parents went through the same thing... needless to say, she lost all faith in relationships and their ability to last. Exit wounds, different impacts.

I find myself in a situation where I am battling to move. Be it moving forward, standing still... or going back. See in my mind I am a strong, courageous being... not afraid of anything. In my mind, I don’t get attached, I don’t hurt and I most certainly don’t give a **** about anything. Reality is I am the exact opposite of that, but what people can’t see, people won’t know. It’s the number of things that hurt me that makes me me... the small things that make me smile... and the number of times I look back before taking the next step that makes me different. But we never know because it all happens in the dark. That’s the world we living in.

My reality is that no one knows about my exit wound, because a ‘concealer’ does its job well...

Where is your exit wound, which is your exit wound, how did you get your exit wound, will anyone ever know?

My exit wound is my sanity, what’s yours?

The Truth about the Truth....

“The TRUTH about the truth is IT (the truth) hurts, so... we lie...” - Grey’s

I was excited at the thought of getting a chance to start afresh. I get to not make the same mistakes. I had a plan, not to say I don’t have one anymore, I still do but the question is... is it or was it realistic?

According to the dictionary, a fresh start means ‘a chance to start over without prejudice’, according to me, how does one start over?

It’s either you “start over” with your “past”, which is technically trying to right the wrong, or you start over in a new place... All new e’rything, which technically is moving on. How does one change their reality when they themselves haven’t changed? Kinda like the saying, “all men are the same”... When in fact we just are drawn to what we are or were used to, making us fall into the same situation over and over again regardless of how much we change around us.

I guess a “new start” starts with ‘I’... Me... An individual. It’s a decision to try and move out of a situation, breathe for air, and take that 1^st step into the unknown. It’s deciding to acknowledge what has happened, accepting it and allowing it to refine you. It’s deciding to live regardless of the pain and facing the unknown without fear... Okay, at least a certain amount of fear but greater faith in yourself in that you will be fine. It’s actually like bearing yourself (like what Ross Macdonald meant by , “Held her body with a kind of awkward pride mixed with shame, like a young girl suddenly conscious of her flesh”) and after the judgement, knowing you have nothing to hide, living your life openly because then you also have found inner strength...

I used to think starting over was great... New beginning... Fresh start...

True, it is a great “idea”... What they don’t tell you is that it’s not easy to do.

One foot in... One foot out...

Is there such a thing as on the fence?
Waiting for something to happen to decide whether you are in or out..
Is it the only way to look at life...
Or the only way we know...
What does it mean to be fully decided..
How do you know when you are?

.....to be continued...

Why....

"Why am I Afraid to tell you Who I Am...?

-I am afraid to tell you who I am because you may not like who I am -

and it's all that I have..."

(John Powell, 1969)

I am just trying to live my life honestly, because if I don't, then who am I?

I don't mean to hurt anyone, but maybe I am wrong for wanting things to fall into place when they should....

but then again, that is just me!

How can I be wrong if *___* has done it too?

(Tried to reduce the size of the pic for sensitive viewers... By the way, they are TWINS )




Recently I saw a few pictures (and a directors cut) of twin brothers who happen to be models. Initially I thought ..."cute"... As I went through more pictures, they uhm... as my friend would put it, left a lot to be desired.





Which brings me back to the matter at hand. One time I was sitting with a friend and we were talking about life... Our struggles, obstacles, etc. The only interesting thing about this conversation is that, as soon as I mentioned my misfortune, my friend became alert. I mean pupils dilated, whole attention on me. Could have sworn I saw gratification and a sense of superiority in the expression. Confusing... I know...

Later, looking back at what happened, I didn't understand how one can find joy in someone's pain. The sad truth is, we do... Me included... It's puzzling how someone else's misfortune can make someone feel better about their misfortune. Its like feeling better about your obesity state because there is someone fatter (lack of a better word at the moment) than you out there. Looking at reality, it is quite sad because regardless, you are still susceptible to many health issues. Back to the friend, it was like measuring their worth compared to someone else. Yet we find it acceptable in today's world.

When did it become so hard to tell "friends" when they are going down the wrong path? When did we start justifying our wrong acts with "I have seen worse things out there..."?
I saw the Patriota twins and said cute, but in all sense, brotherly love has no limit, some pictures are just art but then again...*shrugs*

*But then again, this is just me...*shrugs*

If you don't get the "art" part, shame on you!

"He who sees one side of the "coin" might walk(follow) the "right" path but will never reach the destination..."

"He who wanders in love(in faith, with faith, with  love), may wander far but God will always bring him back to the blessed"

(Fr John)

When the past stays in the past... (with reason)

I closed my eyes to reflect on what I had just read...

A little kid pops up, and starts running around... lets say a "house of shows"... From room to room a different story was being told. We got to a door that had familiar faces. It was not a pretty picture, but when the kid left, I stayed behind... Trapped in a story I was creating, watching an unfortunate event that made me sad.

Now looking back, it wasn't just someone I knew in the room, but someone I felt weirdly connected to. Still it felt like I was in the past... Trapped in the past. Funny thing is that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I have been anticipating my past to happen (I know). Its like I want to go back in time so bad that I have forgotten to face today as a new day with new opportunities... To live and enjoy this moment. Its mostly what if... 

What if I wasn't supposed to leave the other day...

What if I wasn't supposed to love the melody we once made because it's no more...

What if it was still here...

What if I tell you what I want, will you change? 

For me or for yourself?

What if I just listened to what people say, take it as it is and forget what really happened?

...I remember the other day I was walking home and it was quite chilly, but I felt alive and warm because for once everything made sense. I was walking away from something only I understood in order to make someone understand. Its like what they always say, "You never realise the value of water until its not there" (yeah i had to use water). Okay, for real now, it's like hearing someone say they don't know why they still talk to you... you walk away and then they don't "understand" why you did and they stop talking to you... I guess now at least they have a reason why you don't talk...

I took one last look into the room and walked away... 

...I want to be in love...

That's what I want.

I think everybody deserves that... 

(Unknown)

No. 2

2nd month of consistency and what have I learnt:

He is quiet                                                           She loves drama...or is it the other way around

He likes her... a lot                                                           She is in-love

He likes to write                                                           She likes waking up to the sound of his...

He says, "You are the only exception..."                                                  She is a Toy soldier

Reflections through a window

I finished this a few months back, funny thing is I don't remember writing this piece but I remember how I related to it.

I see you look at me,
but you really are only looking through me.
So transparent am I,
The sadness I bear in my heart
Is reflected by a distant glare...

The loneliness I have camouflaged
With my ever glowing smile and
Unequalled twinkle in my eye
But what you don’t know is that, the twinkle has long evaded me.
Or is it life that has stolen it from me..?

My heart I opened up to you
And my love leaked out while you pondered what it is you wanted to do.
With a sudden flare my soul erupts
And I am caught in the snare they call loneliness.

Every night I convince myself tomorrow will be better,
Pass out in bed just to evade my thoughts
Hoping to wake up with you like in my dreams,
Only to find that daylight has eluded me,
Its night again and I am all alone.

My soul cries out in anguish
For, as I have seen through your soul,
I thought you knew the sadness I bear,
Yet, so transparent I am you see through me
Trying to reach out I finally see,
It’s not your reflection I see but a memory of you before me
And as I continue looking out the window,
I start to fade as darkness falls into night and loneliness becomes my friend.

I see you look at me,
But I really am only looking through you...
So transparent you are...
As your memory fades and I start to see through the glass window...

Disclaimer: By Rotondwa Sadiki

*Turns out I finished it, a close friend wrote the 1st half...
(explains the English)

Maybe I take things too personally... #justsayin

Hang up...
No you hang up...
No you h...*click*....! (redial)

Classic love-hate story... You are in love with someone, but they are not in love with you...
You call someone your friend, but to them, you are not their friend.
Where do we draw the line, when is reality really reality... When do we stop fooling ourselves and see a picture as it really is... A picture.

Is it the day you call because you really need the other person and all you hear is:
“*ring ring, ring ri.. *...*click*... ‘the number you have dialled is not availa....’”
Or a very important day in your life when all you get is a text saying, “ Sorry, I can’t make it, I got too tired now I think I am gonna crash, can we celebrate you later”
Is it the day you walk out of my house, and meet me in the crowd but pretend we not friends, that you don’t even know how the inside of my house looks.
When do you know when enough is enough, when holding on is all in vain.

I sat by my phone waiting for you to call, for you did say you would...consistency, isn’t  that what you called it. I waited for an email where you’d apologise for not being there when the melody went silent in my life, cause regardless of where we were, you said we’d always be friends. You said I gave up on you, in-between the emails, the time I made for you when you needed me, our fighting and the awkward laughs.
Well I guess maybe I did.
Was it the day I didn’t meet my deadline to be with you because she ‘left’ you,
Or the night I stayed up late so your tears can dry and you can fall asleep,
Or the knock on my door at 4 in the morning, not because you have nowhere to go, but nothing to go to.

You silence has always screamed my name, still I am not the one for you.
The respect you have always shown me is breathtaking, but sometimes words are what would heal me.
When I gave up on life you said you understood, now you mock me with the images of who I have been.
Now watch my life go up in flames, tell me, do you think we are still on the same page?

*Not in a good place, this are just thoughts taken from reality
might revisit them and come up with something or leave them

as they are, whatever the decision, we have to know when to

let go... 

Is Love Alive...?

I keep listening to the winter song,
Hoping things will start to make sense...
The storm is coming soon they say,
And so I wonder, will we survive the storm?

Sipping on this ginger tea, hoping the cold will get better,
My frozen heart keeps getting worse... yet somehow it still beats.
Hoping you could heal the pain within,
Yet with each touch I feel you getting colder...

They say you are here now, and that’s what matters
But what is the point if you know that tomorrow you won’t be here,
For a cry for help is what you have always heard...
Her cry for help so to say...
“Wolf...Wolf...!” she calls out...

How long before you realise what is before you,
How long before you realise what she has turned to,
How long before you realise who you have become?
With the hope slowly dying out, maybe one day you will...

They ask why I would want to walk,
Well they have never been in my shoes....late at night...with the devil as a friend
They say if you do feel anything then you’d know,
Well, If love is alive then maybe it is a lie...

Slowly sinking into the winter,
I know summer is coming after the storm...
Hoping I can keep this love alive,
Because then, everything was a lie...

****Personal thought****

I think people put a lot of thought in what they post...somethings are made to look innocent, some indirect...but deep inside, we know who we are referring to. 

Therefore I am taking this moment to acknowledge the things I have done (a lot), things I wont do (you), things I wanna do (tell you off, you are one of them *same faces*)  and things I shouldn't do (which I am gonna do)... 

A good friend said," People do not sabotage us in relationships, we sabotage ourselves..."

*********I have stopped looking for signs... that ish only make you kray kray!*********

lets light up this mawfakaz b**ches....!

Lets make it a long goodbye

A wise man once said, “Love is forever... God’s concept of unconditional love was that once you are in...you are in, there is ‘no way out’...”
Another man also said, “With only Love was there hate, with hate was there Love...and so Love makes us beautiful inside...”
Looking at what we have all become, are the good ones still here?
I grew up believing in the good of people, that within each of us... a certain good prevails... I understood the concept of being able to control what I feel... little did I know...
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
It takes a lot for one to perfect this scripture in life, but if one can do it, if one could find such kind of Love, would one walk away from it?

Reality check No. 1

1st month of consistency and what have I learnt:

His dress sense                                                           She's not real
He knows (or at least thinks he does) what he wants                 She knows she should be locked up,hell, granted
                                                                                    a chastity belt
He might be a tad-bit honest                                          She's an even bigger liar
He tries                                                                       She expects more without giving back

...

She slowly opens her eyes,

Hoping her reality was not just a dream

Reaching out she knows it’s not,

For forbidden it was but before her it is...

Denied the joy to be,

She had become that which they refused...

Allowed to be,

She had destroyed that which gave her the freedom to be..

For twisted as she was, fate had never given way to chance,

And so she had chosen her destiny...

Looking back at the decisions she made,

Hard as they were, she knew the deal she had made

And so, as they dance in her backyard claiming her soul

She acts content with what she has

For in the trade she made to be and to have

She knew the blood price she had to pay

It wasn't in the 1st sacrifice that she lost herself

Or the 2nd she thought she had to make

But in walking a moment ago

From that which she had always known,

Searching for what she had left behind

Now broken and wounded she feigns a smile

Hoping the picture she has painted will help her forget

Forget her 1st and 2nd, and so be given an nth chance.

Waking up she reaches out,

Touching that which she had always had

she asks herself..."what would happen if they knew"

Well, as long as they keep dancing,

Her secret is safe...

Atleast that's what they say...

It seems like this story has been told before,
Yet the life in it seems different from the colours it had before
For she once spoke of a life, its joys and living...
Her soulless life now tells a tale of a child who was...
“Undecided”, she once proclaimed...
Well, her silence has made her forgettable as no one really knows who she was.

She once painted a picture...fading overtime no one knows her story...
She spoke of living colours that stood for salvation
Her lifeless soul looks back on what was and no achievement can be named because she forgot to live...

She believed in the goodness of people...
What goodness is there when they feed on her pain making her disappear
Into the background as their success takes priority....
Their success...it has always been about that...
For she had dreams too.... her dreams enticed the joy of completing dreams...
Hers were shuttered as opportunity was not granted as her sanity was taken away too soon.

She now speaks of a life she once had like she has nothing to live for...
She reminisces on the future she could have had before she even lives it,
She dwells in the graveyard waiting for darkness to come so she can lie awake in her coffin...
“Waiting and waiting”, she says....
“Take me from this misery!” she screams...
Take all this emptiness... the void...and fill it with darkness...
It would be like the spread of venom as she slowly sinks into her deep slumber....
Forgetting who she had been...
She once wrote a story no one read...now her story is seen in hymns sang to remember her existence...
“As the dark angel leads the way, can you hear me.....I need to know...”

A blast from the past.....

Her heart beats...gently 

for she had accepted her fate 

she stares at the empty darkness 

her smile breaks out,for home is near 

it all started the day he smiled 

for she believed her angel had arrived 

her heart stopped beating then 

for it danced 4 joy..she had fallen 

the laughs wer ecstatic 

yet she refused to let the tears that followed to drown her 

for his soft hands made her forgert to breath 

yet his blows knocked out her breath 

the day the laughter ended 

she stood & watched her lifeless body 

for so long she believed he'd come back 

yet he kept draining the life out of her 

battered and shattered she waited that night 

her heart-beat accelarating when he came in 

for she knew her fate was near 

the ending she had longed for had never arrived 

the dagger that crossed her stomach didnt remove the love 

even the blows that reshaped her never made her any harder 

for that night her heart beat gently 

for she had accepted her fate 

yet she still loved him 

even when eternal sleep stole her life, 

she still loved him 

for he was her angel.... 

her angel of darkness... 

her angel of death... 

her angel untill death......

For Thoby.....*smiley face lol*

Its just one of those days
i thought to myself
trying so hard not to remember
i stared up at the empty sky
sunlight obscured by the dying summer leaves
this is what my life had become
my life had become like a drum
beautiful sounds it does make
adorable on the outside,yet empty inside
this is what had become of me...
the me without you


as i sit and stare at the vast empty space before me
i see the rebellion that had ceased to exist,
a part of you left to live in me
i smell the tobacco smoke,look around yet there is no one in view
my soul yearns for your touch....my hair dances with the wind
chills run through my body....and it seems as though you are here


i look around me...vast open space..
only my imagination...for the black wall still stood staring at me
trapped in the prison of my thoughts
terrified that I'd forget...i took a pad
scribblin so hard as to leave a mark
i wrote today's date...and my story began
this is not a dream,it is not a fantasy
its what had been...it was a moment in time.
tearing the page as i wrote...your memory had to live
all in vain i thought to myself...
its just one of those days....
tears drawin canals on my face...
this is it....this was it...you are no more
and i'm just having one of those days!

They say i draw inspiration from death,
Well i feel inspired by my own....
They say i run away from pain because I'm scared,
Well, what is pain if I claim to not feel yet close myself from my hearts desires...

Inhaling the breath of life deep within my being,
It pierces my heart and I suffocate...
Thought I was supposed to feel alive....yes I do feel more alive...
More alive as what was supposed to save me drowns me...
More alive as my heart stops beating, and i feel the numbness of the pain as
I slowly fall into the trap of my subconscious memory.....

In the end, we all go home...

A wise man once said,

"Nothing is more practical than falling in-love in a quiet absolute final way. What you are in-love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in-love, stay in-love and it will decide everything." -Nick H.

Every road we take in life, might lead us astray for a while, in the end, the yearning is there.... and we all end up at home. It might be a new home, an old place you call home, whatever it is, it is home...

*...I'm coming back home...*

As the clouds turn grey
And day into night,
I remember the smile of a child,
One who played and laughed
What has become of her innocence
For her smile has faded
And her voice silenced
For she once sang an unending song
One of hopes and dreams,
Yet today her melody is silenced and she sings no more
She had images of mountains and fountains
Her head up in the clouds as she put her life in someone's hands
Who would have known what she saw in the black wall that stood before her
For she spoke of a multicolored world filled with opportunities and happiness
A face filled with wrinkled happiness than the grim face looking at her
They all looked at her with sadness in their eyes,
For how can one like her expect more in a world like hers
Consumed in the flames of her own doing, what good could come out of it?
On that night she sat still in the cold,
Confronting her fears with a smile,
For a new sun was arising,
And as her soul slowly disappeared, she smiled at the memory
The memory of what life could have been…
And so accepted her fate with images of a happy life..

*ddnt mean to post it, but u said i shud....*

Letting go...
Or been let go of
I never understood the difficulties of choices,
For I have always been one to remind them that
“You made your choice, now live with it...”

That was until I made a request,
Little did I know it was a choice,
For in asking to live, I chose to leave...
In choosing to forgive, I forgot I would remember..
And thought I had let go.

Still I held on,
I held on to the memories,
I held on to the beliefs, the customs...
The rules, our rules...our house rules...

Today I sit with many broken,
Still I wonder if they still apply,
Well if they don’t, then why am I in tears...
If they don’t, why do I feel like I betrayed you...again

These are the thoughts we have when a good change comes but we still can’t let go of a sad past. For letting go might mean going against a promise made, yet holding on keeps you from living your life.
Stuck in the middle, where do I go?
A familiar past...
An unknown future...?
Time will tell, so they say...
But it might be too late to move either way...

It’s fine...
Don’t know how many times I have used those words
Your lighter is lost... it’s fine
You failed the test... it’s fine
Your Melody is dead...it’s fine
Is it ever really fine?

Tear stained eyes as you look into the phone
Silently hoping things would change
That one sentence you have been waiting to hear,
Yet it finally comes through...
It means totally nothing at all
Yet, it’s still fine

 You keep staring ahead at the blank wall,
Daring them to push through and as they do,
Proclaim you are a weakling because you finally feel.
Throwing yourself over a balcony,
You know it will hurt,
Yet pain is way better than what you feel you say.

What has become of the eyes that sparkled of happiness?
Today they glister with red surroundings and blurry lights
The once lit up face, burning as the hot water trail trickles down those ashy treks.
And they ask, What if things were different...?
“ well, it would be fine,
But i am fine... it’s fine”

The view from up here is breathtaking...

But what is it if there is no one to share it with...?

Empty... just like the empty words they have been throwing around

For what are words if you still are facing away from her face

Today...
As I was outside for a smoke,
I hear someone shouting... a woman to be precise
Door bangs...
And a guy walks towards the gate...


I continued to drag a few pulls into my lungs...intrigued...
A woman walks out and yells...*name!*...*name!*
I sinked low into my chair,
And noticed people still peeking through their windows...
And it hit me...


Why are women labelled as weak?
The heart of a woman carries a lot of secrets
Her shoulders carry a heavy burden imposed on her...not of her will
Her head repeatedly plays events that make her shudder,
Yet she smiles...


A woman is said to be soft,
Yet like a rock she stands firmly in one place.
Labelled, her name slandered, her dignity destroyed
Yet still she stands...


What we never ask her is who made her that way?
Some say she is stupid and easily forgets,
Because she easily forgives...?
Every “stupid date” she remembers...


I am guessing *name!* never turned back...
Something made her mad,
Yet she forgives... she loves...and she smiles

         ....to be continued

Closing my eyes shut,
I keep hoping my tears wont spill out.
Taking that one last breath,
hurts knowing I wont be able to see your face again...

I keep looking for excuses,
Praying tomorrow will forever be given unto me.
I lie to myself to sleep,
Hoping the next morning will be like my dreams.

Well, what if...?
What if I never wake up to see tomorrow,
Will I have said all I need to say?
What if I never see your face again,
Will I have touched you enough to remember?
well, what if...?

Are this memories enough to get me through today,
I keep asking myself.
For hiding out in this little room i feel safe,
Finding comfort in the pain I feel,
Well at least I feel something..
Is this how life is supposed to be,
how you planned it out to be?

Imagine if you could say all that is within your heart
And not share it alone.
What if you could feel my existence and knew the pain I bear
Then if you can feel my heart beat, maybe,
just maybe then will you feel all the love in my heart.

What if you could feel everything I have ever felt,
Then you'd know how many secrets the heart holds.
What if you could see into my soul,
then you'd know the moment death claimed it,
Well what if you could, would you?

Why am i so afraid to start living my life...?