Please Do Not Leave me

"There's dissonance, sometimes I make mistakes
Oh, I'm human after all, I'm not your expectations"
- Alessia Cara

I try to wake up early, try meditate, try drink my green tea and water, try put on my shea butter and just keep on trying. On most days I make it to the other side unscathed, on some, like today, I wonder... Why bother at all. "Truth is I'm tired...", I feel I am behind and want it all to happen for me right now. Maybe I am feeling the valentine hangover but I actually found myself wondering how it would actually feel like to have, what they call, "it all". The great job, the money, the "perfect family"...the "perfect life".

I can literally feel myself slippin away from myself and I cannot stop it. Part of me doesn't want to stop the process, but I know this is not whatever I think it is. It is another major change in life I have to go through alone. Another selfish moment not shared because my judgemental self cannot seem to step away from my self inflicted bubble to admit for one second that I may have been wrong. I may have been wrong about it all. Maybe trusting people is not all that bad, maybe opening up and being vulnerable is how you build friendships, maybe it is my fault I am this way, maybe people are not selfish and I am the selfish one, maybe just maybe...all of this is just me.

I wear the white hat and pretend to have a moral compass until I am out of line then I can accept that maybe we are not perfect beings. I want things done my way, at my time, on my terms that it seems I know better and my truth is the only truth. I mean how does one invalidate someone's pain just because it doesn't fit their description of what pain is? It is the equivalent of calling out a depressed person because you are of the perspective that a subject matter has been averted so everyone should be merry because you are, yet you have no idea what demons each of us battle within. Guns may be your trigger, but flowers are probably mine, so who is to say this wont kill me? 

I guess most of my fears are coming out as insecurities and I do not have a quick patch for  this as yet, and still I fear being insignificant, I fear being known and I fear being forgotten. I fear being wrong yet I also fear being the one to say "I told you so".

Truth is I am scared to lose you and I do not know how to save you.

Possibilities are, you probably do not even need saving and 

this is just my selfish need to feel wanted and valuable 

manifesting itself as a fear of change. 

Please don't leave me. 

Living your best life

I have often been baffled by the number of people who buy into social media life.

I woke up up this morning, decided to make an omelette and while at it, fix myself a mimosa... en-route to a lazy morning. I took of picture of the sparkles set up and thought...let's post this and make other people admire sparkles for breakfast. Quickly decided against it because if this is my life, and it is nothing special, why don't I just embrace it and enjoy it as is. This was until a dear friend of mine insisted I get them coffee because I blow through rack fast... Loosely translated, "I am always on the road living my best life".

To be honest I am still stuck on the blowing through money very fast. I have always had a problem when it came to instant gratification and delayed gratification. Some people spend most of their lives saving up for later in order to experience life untethered to any debt. I on the other hand think life should be enjoyed young, in the littlest of clothing and always with sunscreen and a glass of champagne. Yet one question prevails, is living your best life still living your best life if in debt?

My journey to a debt free life is looking kinda bleak right now... Don't get me wrong, there is light at the end of the tunnel but how does one maintain a balance in the now with the pressures of this life. One needs to travel but one needs to save. One needs to live healthy, eat organic, do yoga and be detached from material things yet enjoys life's little pleasures. One needs to lead a glamorous life and still grind to sustain it while posting all day beach selfies and lavish dinners, so maybe hustle at night? Whatever that means.

Pleasing humans is exhausting and it catches up with us when we least expect it. I decided to go on a social media cleanse a few months back, crumbled under the pressure so I kept my business pages and numbers working. To be honest, I feared being disconnected. A cleanse sounds like I am going to go hide under a rock and will not know what has transpired when I was out, and I would be socially awkward or behind, because, how do I know what is in if I am not in the know?

Being a human is tricky and risky. So I try live my best life and maintain a healthy relationship with debt for life experiences (year divided into 6 months of debt and 6 months debt free). I haven't figured out the recipe as yet but I will keep thriving and blowing through racks and living my best life until I do. Whatever you choose to do for you, do it. As long as it doesn't keep you up at night, worrying... but if it is worrying about your next destination, then do it. Just remember "Sleep and lots of water".

😉😉😉😜😜😜