Oh, I'm human after all, I'm not your expectations"
- Alessia Cara
I try to wake up early, try meditate, try drink my green tea and water, try put on my shea butter and just keep on trying. On most days I make it to the other side unscathed, on some, like today, I wonder... Why bother at all. "Truth is I'm tired...", I feel I am behind and want it all to happen for me right now. Maybe I am feeling the valentine hangover but I actually found myself wondering how it would actually feel like to have, what they call, "it all". The great job, the money, the "perfect family"...the "perfect life".
I can literally feel myself slippin away from myself and I cannot stop it. Part of me doesn't want to stop the process, but I know this is not whatever I think it is. It is another major change in life I have to go through alone. Another selfish moment not shared because my judgemental self cannot seem to step away from my self inflicted bubble to admit for one second that I may have been wrong. I may have been wrong about it all. Maybe trusting people is not all that bad, maybe opening up and being vulnerable is how you build friendships, maybe it is my fault I am this way, maybe people are not selfish and I am the selfish one, maybe just maybe...all of this is just me.
I wear the white hat and pretend to have a moral compass until I am out of line then I can accept that maybe we are not perfect beings. I want things done my way, at my time, on my terms that it seems I know better and my truth is the only truth. I mean how does one invalidate someone's pain just because it doesn't fit their description of what pain is? It is the equivalent of calling out a depressed person because you are of the perspective that a subject matter has been averted so everyone should be merry because you are, yet you have no idea what demons each of us battle within. Guns may be your trigger, but flowers are probably mine, so who is to say this wont kill me?
I guess most of my fears are coming out as insecurities and I do not have a quick patch for this as yet, and still I fear being insignificant, I fear being known and I fear being forgotten. I fear being wrong yet I also fear being the one to say "I told you so".
Truth is I am scared to lose you and I do not know how to save you.
Possibilities are, you probably do not even need saving and
this is just my selfish need to feel wanted and valuable
manifesting itself as a fear of change.
Please don't leave me.
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