Hide, I can hear you breathe.

There is a certain point in life, when you think your pain is more valid than any other pain. That point, I have learnt, is my reminder to come back to myself. Not to say what you are going through is not big enough or worth the emotion you give it, but to say, I have seen tornadoes, walked through fire and drowned myself often enough to know, it is not worth taking someone with you. Burning flames do not burn less just because there is someone else burning with you (Don't be technical about it).

Coming from a troubled past and still battling with psychological issues, most of which I am aware of, I am more in tune with who I am, what triggers me and what brings me back to me. I have walked the medical route, I have felt the spiritual realm, I have physically exhausted myself of feelings and been the advocate of felt pain you can describe versus the feeling of, 'My heart is being ripped out of my chest and I cant put it back together... I cannot breathe, and I feel empty but I am alive so I must be breathing'. Like I said, I know me better now, to know to leave hell just as the AC starts to die down.

My fear is being your savior, for I am no good Samaritan. I know nothing of kindness, selflessness and healing. I will reign havoc and bring terror to the learning soul. How can one expect mercy from a character that carries a particular soul for a specific job. The voices in my head do not allow it and I forbid it. How do you go looking for comfort in a place whereby my own monsters sometimes hide because they are terrified of the actual being. I am not here for you and  no one is coming for you. Only you can save yourself.

And still, I do not have a song for this one...

You know what you usually do after a painful goodbye...
You write it out,
I write it out?
Yes, you write it down and allow yourself to feel.

All I found today was:

“I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm.”― Benedict Smith

Unfortunately I want to feel this one,
like a memory so close to my heart,
I fear I am not grieving the loss of you,
But a reminder of a love I once had,
The devil I once knew...
The only love I will ever know.

Birth of a Dynasty

Today I almost bent, bent to the will of another. 

Today I almost sold my soul, all for the price of a comfy home and a garden.

Today I almost lied, lied to further perpetuate that which is considered normal.

Today I should have walked away, I almost got caught up in a dream.

I am Mansa Nangi,

First of her kind and the only one.

Nations have been named after me and so will be,

But I do not need a second to be immortal.

For remember, my fate was long forged in the Mashovhele valley,

Where voices were heard in the deepest of pools…

My name was called and sanctified!

I was deemed enough and worthy as is,

And it is time I believe that.

I renounce the use of “You need this and that to be complete”,

Who said I wasn’t born whole?

For I was born by candle light in the longest, coldest winter night,

Saved by the hand that fed me and taught me to be.

Even if she forgot, I was not born to bend!

If I do bend, I will resent not you, but myself.

I cannot lie because that comes with expectations and I owe no one nothing.

My life is mine, Melody is mine and mine alone.

If you ever get to share in the dance, consider yourself blessed.

For I will birth fire, and it shall not be thwarted by mere mortals.

It will bath in waterfalls and make humanity fall to their knees.

For hers is to never be forgotten.

But try me once more… And you will not forget me.

Aging gracefully

How does one become recognised in a world where insignificance is notorious... Where insignificance is synonymous with existing. Being alive.How do you live out your days to die a notorious death.To end up like everyone else... insignificantly dead. I find myself paralyzed by the fear of being nothing. I know they say your family will always keep you alive in memory, but even they forget... I do not even know who my great grandfather was, let alone my own maternal grandfather's name... Just a sperk in this life journey.

I recently celebrated a birthday. I was not anxious about aging for once. I was quite anxious about growing alone as a whole. More around conversations of complements and growth. Truth is I know I need a change and yet something holds me back. I am scared of offending people, I am scared to find out who is watching, I am scared of having to explain myself, I'm just solely scared of being misunderstood, of not doing all I wanted to because I was scared of the response, the reception...the result. I need to study again (Some sort of qualification/accreditation) yet I keep wondering, do I wanna do it because I want to, because everyone expects me to, to prove to myself that I can do it or because everyone else is doing it? What is the right and wrong answer to this? is there even one? Should there even be one!

I mean, what started out as a year of adventure slowly became self preservation, turned into celibacy, and a whole other bu.. let me not cuss... All in all, it ended up being mostly driven by both fear and actualisation. Which in turn is a confusing period for me because how does one embrace getting old and still shy away from mistakes. I guess I dubbed it my period of growth, learning, the journey... But aren't we always learning and growing? How good is growth and learning if it comes from stagnation? I need me to allow me to make mistakes. To be okay with failing. To be okay with truly living, whatever the definition. To be okay with other peoples views. To know my own views and let those be my guide. To let me let me make those decisions fearfully fearlessly. To owning the beautiful mess I am. To aging gracefully.

I am not scared of this thing called life. I guess I am scared of being seen, yet I do not want to be insignificant.

An old lady's tale - When does alone become lonely?

"Some people, when you talk to them, it's like trying to listen to classical music on a radio with no antenna. You can push that dial back and forth all you want, but you only get the static. But when you're meant to be with someone, and they truly are the one, you just sit, start talking, and a Beethoven sonata will begin to play."

I guess the reality of being alone is looking for love where you do not belong,
The feeling of wanting a connection so bad because they like you,
You must also like ‘em because, clearly you are missing something right?
Lacking the patience to get to your favorite song, so you will just learn to like this one.
That is the difference between a timeless song,
And a song that's always in your head because it got so much air play…
It literally has become part of the air.
What we call settling,
Acceptance of the hand you have been dealt,
Complacency.
Well, I refuse to accept any of those things.
I know fire and I have been burnt,
I have tamed wild beasts and I have been bitten,
I have caught a whiff of fresh air and I have been suffocated,
I have most certainly floated and I have drowned.
Still, I know that surviving may not be to avoid the storm,
But remaining still and sane amid it all, because it will always rain,
And you need to learn to dance in the rain.
A good friend of mine once asked me to choose between predictable and volatile….
You see, predictability has always been defined as boring,
Maybe some of you are happy there and maybe it is safe...
And don't get me wrong, Safe is generally good...
But it feels more like static.
Not to say I believe in the one,
But if the one is out there...
Please show yourself,
Because I may never be ready for you.

Wanting to be needed

I need you to want me
I need you to want to talk to me
I need you to love me
I need you to do all the things I never thought I would need again
I need you to need me

This paralyzing unwelcomed need to be needed,
all from a chance encounter,
all because familiarity felt better than cold laughter,
and the bonfire lit was not enough to spark a meaningless connection needed,
Yet I need you to have felt something.

The icy moments shared between sweet and cold pink drinks,
Yet warm enough to keep the conversation heated,
and sweet enough to remind me of summer 2010,
Still I'm left with cold hands grasping on to water to keep from drowning.
Drowning from the exhaustion of waiting.
Waiting for what, you ask.
Waiting to feel needed as I have been chanting since the moment I heard your voice.
Waiting for the need I have recited in my head since I met you.
But I will repeat my need the way I recited it in my head.

It was a forced connection
from a chance encounter
Which led me to a moment of laughter
Saving me from the iciness of that I had learnt to call familiar,
Melting all I have chosen to know and believe is life as it should be, and so,
I needed to feel a bit more than I had allowed myself to feel in years.

This unreasonable feeling may have been caused by time,
It may have been the moment, the setting, the mood and the season,
It may have been the flow of liquid cocaine as I took in what you had to offer,
Or the taste of first real laughter stemming from one of the most orchestrated evenings,
Leading to the most memorable moment in my life.
Or maybe, just maybe,
It was a mix of all the things that could go wrong,
Meeting in singularity to piece together that one single moment
That made me feel wanted,
And awakened that piece of my soul that still yearned to needed.

Still in all truthfulness,
I want it to be me,
I need it to be about me...
I need it to be;
I need me to want me,
I need me to love me,
I need me to kiss the nightmares away,
I need me to need me...
So much that needing you to need me
feels like wasted time that I could have had with me,
Because I need you to need me feels heavier as a reality
if you do not need me to need you.

Please Do Not Leave me

"There's dissonance, sometimes I make mistakes
Oh, I'm human after all, I'm not your expectations"
- Alessia Cara

I try to wake up early, try meditate, try drink my green tea and water, try put on my shea butter and just keep on trying. On most days I make it to the other side unscathed, on some, like today, I wonder... Why bother at all. "Truth is I'm tired...", I feel I am behind and want it all to happen for me right now. Maybe I am feeling the valentine hangover but I actually found myself wondering how it would actually feel like to have, what they call, "it all". The great job, the money, the "perfect family"...the "perfect life".

I can literally feel myself slippin away from myself and I cannot stop it. Part of me doesn't want to stop the process, but I know this is not whatever I think it is. It is another major change in life I have to go through alone. Another selfish moment not shared because my judgemental self cannot seem to step away from my self inflicted bubble to admit for one second that I may have been wrong. I may have been wrong about it all. Maybe trusting people is not all that bad, maybe opening up and being vulnerable is how you build friendships, maybe it is my fault I am this way, maybe people are not selfish and I am the selfish one, maybe just maybe...all of this is just me.

I wear the white hat and pretend to have a moral compass until I am out of line then I can accept that maybe we are not perfect beings. I want things done my way, at my time, on my terms that it seems I know better and my truth is the only truth. I mean how does one invalidate someone's pain just because it doesn't fit their description of what pain is? It is the equivalent of calling out a depressed person because you are of the perspective that a subject matter has been averted so everyone should be merry because you are, yet you have no idea what demons each of us battle within. Guns may be your trigger, but flowers are probably mine, so who is to say this wont kill me? 

I guess most of my fears are coming out as insecurities and I do not have a quick patch for  this as yet, and still I fear being insignificant, I fear being known and I fear being forgotten. I fear being wrong yet I also fear being the one to say "I told you so".

Truth is I am scared to lose you and I do not know how to save you.

Possibilities are, you probably do not even need saving and 

this is just my selfish need to feel wanted and valuable 

manifesting itself as a fear of change. 

Please don't leave me. 

Living your best life

I have often been baffled by the number of people who buy into social media life.

I woke up up this morning, decided to make an omelette and while at it, fix myself a mimosa... en-route to a lazy morning. I took of picture of the sparkles set up and thought...let's post this and make other people admire sparkles for breakfast. Quickly decided against it because if this is my life, and it is nothing special, why don't I just embrace it and enjoy it as is. This was until a dear friend of mine insisted I get them coffee because I blow through rack fast... Loosely translated, "I am always on the road living my best life".

To be honest I am still stuck on the blowing through money very fast. I have always had a problem when it came to instant gratification and delayed gratification. Some people spend most of their lives saving up for later in order to experience life untethered to any debt. I on the other hand think life should be enjoyed young, in the littlest of clothing and always with sunscreen and a glass of champagne. Yet one question prevails, is living your best life still living your best life if in debt?

My journey to a debt free life is looking kinda bleak right now... Don't get me wrong, there is light at the end of the tunnel but how does one maintain a balance in the now with the pressures of this life. One needs to travel but one needs to save. One needs to live healthy, eat organic, do yoga and be detached from material things yet enjoys life's little pleasures. One needs to lead a glamorous life and still grind to sustain it while posting all day beach selfies and lavish dinners, so maybe hustle at night? Whatever that means.

Pleasing humans is exhausting and it catches up with us when we least expect it. I decided to go on a social media cleanse a few months back, crumbled under the pressure so I kept my business pages and numbers working. To be honest, I feared being disconnected. A cleanse sounds like I am going to go hide under a rock and will not know what has transpired when I was out, and I would be socially awkward or behind, because, how do I know what is in if I am not in the know?

Being a human is tricky and risky. So I try live my best life and maintain a healthy relationship with debt for life experiences (year divided into 6 months of debt and 6 months debt free). I haven't figured out the recipe as yet but I will keep thriving and blowing through racks and living my best life until I do. Whatever you choose to do for you, do it. As long as it doesn't keep you up at night, worrying... but if it is worrying about your next destination, then do it. Just remember "Sleep and lots of water".

😉😉😉😜😜😜