Aging gracefully

How does one become recognised in a world where insignificance is notorious... Where insignificance is synonymous with existing. Being alive.How do you live out your days to die a notorious death.To end up like everyone else... insignificantly dead. I find myself paralyzed by the fear of being nothing. I know they say your family will always keep you alive in memory, but even they forget... I do not even know who my great grandfather was, let alone my own maternal grandfather's name... Just a sperk in this life journey.

I recently celebrated a birthday. I was not anxious about aging for once. I was quite anxious about growing alone as a whole. More around conversations of complements and growth. Truth is I know I need a change and yet something holds me back. I am scared of offending people, I am scared to find out who is watching, I am scared of having to explain myself, I'm just solely scared of being misunderstood, of not doing all I wanted to because I was scared of the response, the reception...the result. I need to study again (Some sort of qualification/accreditation) yet I keep wondering, do I wanna do it because I want to, because everyone expects me to, to prove to myself that I can do it or because everyone else is doing it? What is the right and wrong answer to this? is there even one? Should there even be one!

I mean, what started out as a year of adventure slowly became self preservation, turned into celibacy, and a whole other bu.. let me not cuss... All in all, it ended up being mostly driven by both fear and actualisation. Which in turn is a confusing period for me because how does one embrace getting old and still shy away from mistakes. I guess I dubbed it my period of growth, learning, the journey... But aren't we always learning and growing? How good is growth and learning if it comes from stagnation? I need me to allow me to make mistakes. To be okay with failing. To be okay with truly living, whatever the definition. To be okay with other peoples views. To know my own views and let those be my guide. To let me let me make those decisions fearfully fearlessly. To owning the beautiful mess I am. To aging gracefully.

I am not scared of this thing called life. I guess I am scared of being seen, yet I do not want to be insignificant.