Incoherent thoughts over wine

Can you hear me?
Do you see me?
Am I real?
Is this all in my head?
I was once like you,
Happy to just be here...
Happy to sit and observe.
That is all I did,
That is how my story will be remembered.
I do not wish it to be so.
I wanna raise hell and drop the heavens,
Find my perfection in your imperfections,
Fix you to match what I call ideal...
Maybe that is where I went wrong...
The only thing I can be sure of is the reality of where I am,
How I am feeling,
And what has brought me here.
They say hurt people hurt people,
What I've seen is that the most wounded people spend their lives trying to fix other people.
I guess it makes us think we are undoing the hurt inside.
Maybe I am wrong.
All I do know is,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.

Beyond This Hour

There comes a moment in life, when everything is supposed to make sense, but nothing fits. That is the moment when you realize you may have reached your ceiling, overextended yourself, or better yet, you done fucked up big time. This is that moment.

“Marred is my sight beyond the hour ahead, my future knows me not, nor I my future. 

We are not acquainted with the joys and the sadness we each possess. 

I only know my present, intimately, and this present holds me hostage”

-Shaun Usher

My diary

So I am going through a low. I thought I paid the piper but that was a lie I thought I could maintain and get through. See, I thought I could just walk away and I couldn’t. I thought I could be your friend but I couldn’t. It is a constant battle on what happiness means…on what being alive is. I think for so long I took for granted what I had been given… now I see it staring me point blank unflinching. I know I am caught in a cross road of my own making and I wanna give up. It is just not in my blood, yet I need to calm the storm building up within me or I might just ruin a beautiful soul.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up

No medicine is strong enough

Someone help me, I'm crawling in my skin

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can't

It isn't in my blood
-Shawn Mendes

'Cause I can't let you lose yourself

Looking for me

And I can't let you make me your, Your everything

I just wanna be an escape

Baby can we escape?

-Kehlani

And I hope I never see the day that you move on and be happy without me

What’s my hand without your heart to hold?

I don’t know what I'm living for If I’m living without you

All my friends, they know and it's true

I don't know who I am without you

I've got it bad, baby

Oh, tell me you love me

I need someone on days like this, I do

-Demi Lovato

The reason "WHY"

We once spoke of how "him" and "his"  girl were hurting each other on social media, tryna show who's happier.

I just realized you were my light for so long, I didn't even notice you throw the first stone.

You're not the remedy but the trigger. It took another anxiety attack to pick it up.

I am trying so hard to keep it together, but I'm failing... I'm falling apart.

What I do not get is that, through it all… I still see you as perfect.

Fear...

The truth is I'm scared.
I've never been so scared in my life.
It feels as though I'm not living my life.
It seems as though I'm physically present just for roll call.

I wake up and I'm amazed I'm still here
I look around me and I do not recognize anything or anyone
I walk around proud and tall, yet I do not know where I'm headed
One thing I know, you brought this fear on me

I've never been so uncertain in my life,
It scares me and breaks me down that they see it.
I've lost all respect for my reflection,
For they look at me with sadness and pity.

I wanna sink to the ground and take it,
Accept the stares and watch them see the fear in my eyes.
My feet won't let me fall so I hold on,
I hold on long enough to keep my sanity.

I dance now...
It keeps the demons at bay,
For I think if they see me smile they'll see the happiness.
As long as they don't see the fear then I'm not scared right?
Yet I am scared... I'm terrified that one day I'll forget to smile.

Never let the fear of striking out

Keep you away from the game.

-On this particular day, Your namesake

The best damn thing

I lost the best thing in my life because of pride.. 
Because I knew not of sharing. 
Cause I couldn't get over myself and space to be open to love. 
Now I see you with her and it kills me. 
All because I fucked up. 
Maybe this is what they mean about wanting something I can't have.

I want to reach out and say hi,

Start from the very beginning

Or maybe that is the problem
Maybe at the core of it all we are still the same  teenagers
Still jumping the fence and stealing kisses in hotel rooms

I want to disrupt your peace and make my presence felt
But how fair is that to you when I do not know whether its for you or for me
For me to feel if it was worth it or not
For you to not give up on me.

How late is too late anyway?
As I spend sleepless nights debating "Can you forgive me?"
"If this was a perfect world and I told you I loved you, would you love me back?"
I keep fighting this battles on my own cause, haven't we done this before?

I fcuked up and lost the one I loved because of pride...
Yet still imprisoned I wonder...
Is this silence worth it?
What is more pain if I am already hurting?
Maybe it is true,You don't always get what you want
Still knowing doesn't make it hurt any less

Breathe... You are still alive!

Let go, I let my voice be heard, then listen for the echo
My own reverb is playing 'cause I'm a movement

There's dissonance, sometimes I make mistake
Oh, I'm human after all, I'm not your expectations

But play, rest, repeat, that's what they ask of me

Just stick to this melody and stay between the lines

But I'll play what's best for me

I'll ring the bells and crash the cymbals, my harmonious design

- Alessia Cara

I want to live

I want to feel the air and sun on my face

I need to wake up

I need to be alive

A Hopeless romantic's Incoherent stories - A medley

I can go on for life Thinking of what could be
And that would be my mistake
Knowing you would never know
the things I know can be
For stored in my memory are fragments of words never said
A story never told

It begins the day we met,
For you stared and I lingered
Little did I know the repercussions
For a story never told, this one had an ending

For as I was yours you were mine
Days filled with sunrises and happy endings
Sunsets with laughter and endless sunshine
For I would be your daylight
As you are my knight
Save me from my transgressions
As I fail myself before you

Cause before you I knew not of myself
Yet I find myself planning our forever
And then I realise
I'm not a hopeless romantic
Yet I am hopelessly in love with you

 "girl what your name"
 "hi, nice to meet you" I say
Dazzled by your light
Maybe I am a hopeless romantic

I stare back at you,
Then you smile at me
All the words unspoken coming to life
"Hi, my name is Awesome"
But then I wake up
Realizing what could have been
And so believing I might be a hopeless romantic

*Words written after 24 hours with no sleep,

A 6 hour drive,

A couple too many G&Ts,

Good laughs,

Broken hearts

And pining for a long remembered past.

It was 4:45am, the 1^st  morning of January 2018 

One thing I am sure of

I fucked up... 
I lost the best thing in my life because of pride.. 
Because I knew not of sharing. 
Cause I couldn't get over myself and 'my' space to be open to love. 

Now I see u with her n it kills me. 
All because I fucked up. 
Maybe this is what they mean about wanting something I can't have.
It's like trying to gasp for air and not remembering how to breathe.

I tried to fight this feeling, and for the longest time I felt like a failure
For I failed you and myself.
For once in my life I feel like I am sure of one thing
Yet you were sure from the beginning and I laughed at you.

Now I see you happy with her.
It hurts that it is her but I made my bed right.
As late as it is,
The thing is you.