Awesome

I can go on for life
Thinking of what could be
And that would be my mistake
Knowing you don't know
the things I know can be
Stored in my memory
Fragments never said
A story never told

It begins the day we met
For you stared and I lingered
Little did I know the repurcussions
For a story never told
This one had an ending

For as I was yours you were mine
Days filled with sunrises and happy endings
Sunsets with laughter and endless sunshine
For I would be your daylight
As you are my knight
Save me from my transgressions
As I fail myself before you

Cause before you I knew not of myself
Yet I find myself planning our forever
And then I realise
I'm not a hopeless romantic
Yet I am hopelessly in love with you

*Looking up... "girl, what's your name"
"hi, it's nice to meet you"
And so they say
I am a hopeless romantic

I stare back at you
Then you smile at me
All the words unspoken coming to life
I then realize you want to get to know me
"Hi, my name is Awesome", I say
And then I walk away
Realizing what could have been
Maybe I might be a hopeless romantic

Atonement

"The saddest people in the world always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless." - Robin Williams

Inhale 2 3 4, hold 2,exhale 2 3 4. Inhale 2 3...
Just breath, she says... Just remember to breath.

She holds back tears as she gasps for breath...
Letting them flow only means defeat.
"Remember little girl, no one is coming to save you..."

They all have each other,
A well oiled machine of open lines,
Still all she got was, "not now", "A thi funi", "it's not you" and a good old nothing as a reminder...
"Breathe little girl... No one is coming to save you!"

"I did this for your own good!" she screams,
Still all alone for they made her an island...
Drowning with the desire to submit to them,
Every door was shut!
She didn't belong.

They described the opposite twins, she labeled it crazy.
Broken to the core, she allows the tide to determine the path
She was not ready to face the MAY BEs...

Possessed with sadness, the twins influenced the shift..
I'm either the glue, or the destroyer,
The beginning or the end,
The loved or the unloved,
The sinner or the punished,
The prisoner or the jailer.
Capacity for both was like 2nd nature.

"...I wish I was selfish. I wish I could say no. Wish I never felt compelled. I wish I had said something... wish I had fought. I wish I didn't remember the faces. That it was all because of love, wished it was never resentment. I wish she had listened, maybe I wouldn't exist. They wouldn't have to suffer the agony of having this mind... They just will not have to suffer..."

For he knew her... grew up together.
Broke each other and still refused to let go.
They continued to support ach other,
Yet screamed at each other whenever there was an audience.
For she had made him feel like a fool,
And they do say karma screws you twice over.
Still, she looked in his eyes,
Took a knee to the gut.
Hunched over, resigned...
"let what ever may be, be. Use me as your sacrifice, as atonement. Punish me in this life, work me like a slave. I will pay whatever price is demanded. Work hard if it not enough, but let it be me"

They knew her fear... "Don't bring them to this life or the next, to atone for what I did in this life. I will bear that cross in this life".

Looking up, she smiled at him...

"Let this be atonement..."

The universe and all her secrets

 Ey.... Look up!

I made a wish upon a star...
"Grant me my hearts desires,
Help me know when abundance means enough
Don't make me change who I am... For there's a lot of atoning to do."

I am healing. I tell myself...
Growing. It's definitely for the better.
That impulsive kid doesn't exist anymore... As I confirm snoopy's size...
These are the stories I teach myself to believe as night crawls in... And I'm reminded to look up.

"Ey, look up... It's the first star and only visible star. Like a shooting star, you get to make a wish"
I closed my eyes as I thought he'll be the end of me.
Sweet and cute... Who am I kidding right. But I can wish upon a star.
I opened my eyes and smiled... I already had my wish.

The lucid dreams that continue to haunt me...
Your eyes looking through the windows of my soul,
Knowing my sins will always get me to the brink of happiness...
Still I cross my legs and say, 
"Grant me my hearts desires,
Help me know when abundance means enough
Don't make me change who I am..."

I now find myself chasing sunsets,
Watching the beautiful colors hold on as balance is restored.
"Ey... Look up"
As I gaze upon the first star, I know I need to say the words...
But your face is all I draw... Even as I recite...
"Grant me my hearts desires.... You... "Hi"
Help me know when abundanc... Let's travel the world, rebuil... "You good?"
Don't make me change who I am......"... It was nice seeing you..."

Beautiful as you twinkle in the night sky...
I am hopeful and still have questions...
Do you show up and disappear because your wishes are not guaranteed?
Or maybe it is true, absence does make the heart fonder...
Still, I love sunsets...
And as the beautiful colors hold on, I hear it...
"Ey... Look up... Ask me anything and you'll know my secrets"

Who is in your Corner?

Little girl….

Why are you so mad?

Do you know how far I’ve traveled just for you?

 

Excuse me miss,

Is it me you are talking to?

No one is ever coming for me…

 

You don’t remember your name,

You say you have seen it all

But what is life without believing? 

 

I am alive,

This pain is my comfort,

A fate sealed requires no questioning.

 

Is it him or her?

Should I go on the hunt?

I am here to shield you.

 

Your shoes are worn,

Only the living require protection,

Save yourself before the darkness comes.

 

Don’t put on a brave face,

Don’t hide your anger,

I offer you what you have longed for.

 

I am brave,

Anger is fueling,

No one can save me but me.

 

Turn around and face me,

I am in your corner...

I am as you are!

 

My reflection blinds me,

Told you no one is coming for me.

Yet here you are wearing my face,

Willing to revive my weary soul.

 

I am you in your darkest hour,

You when you feel you cannot go on,

You when you are ready to give up hope…

I am you,

And I am in your corner…

 

If you had a kingdom, Would I be a part of it?

Sun rays breaking at the crack of dawn,
I fully see your face,
Peaceful as you sleep,
My deepest desire...
I have been dancing with The devil.

I dangle my feet off the floating carpet,
Could it be this is magic ?
Or maybe it was but has since lost its flame...
For the cinders refuse to stay lit,
and I have seen you bare your teeth in the night,
My worst nightmare coming alive...
Could you be My devil?

I walk towards the door,
Feeling them call me over...
Pools filled with the cold sweat from my nightmares,
For as I stand in the midst of it all,
I try to find comfort in the hugs sent from the gods,
Slow kisses from the wind sending shivers down my spine,
as the sun refuses to come out to embrace all my dark parts,
I smile into nothing...
This must be heaven.

Looking back I see your face,
Lines across your face leading to where you have been,
I see the road map to lies, deceit and desire...
Calculating eyes inherited from the one that made you...
You are your own creation,
yet no one really knows your face.

They came from far and beyond,
Asking for luminescence from your existence,
Believing the words that came from your lips,
Hoping to live the life you say you have seen.
You masked all your desires as your saving grace,
For you are not who you claim to be,
And the colder it gets,
Your skin burns to illuminate your path home.

I look away from your face,
smiling as the wind kissed me,
I have seen your face and it is too late to be scared.
I settle in confusion at the conflict, "I have seen your face" has raised.
History seems to be a lie.
I am but burning in the midst of the cold sweats,
I have forgotten to include self awareness in deceit...
This is my personal hell and I am in charge,
I am the ruler of my kingdom.
My own devil.
Summoned at the whim of a weakling...

The art of wanting - Wanting it all

Like a moth burnt, still drawn to the flames,
I walked right back into the furnace.

How can one engrave healing by walking the same path that made them sick?
I find myself at odds because familiarity draws me,
yet it threatens my very existence with one soft blow to my foundation...
Then I have nothing, I feel nothing and I fear nothing.

There is emptiness within me,
and it is not because of your absence
But more like shame...
Ashamed of my moment of weakness,
threatening to destroy that which was beautifully crafted over time.

For familiarity really is the downfall of many,
and wanting what I had, blindsided me.
For it was in the moment of weakness that all reason seized to exit,
Yet one cannot account for the lost time
let alone cherish the memories.

Like a curse, everything was tainted.
For what was meant to be treasured was beautifully ravaged,
Devoured by "I want it now"...
for in wanting, sustainability was not part of the list,
and so then, what could've been diamonds received no pressure,
and so shall the coal burn to hopefully warm what has been turned to stone
because in wanting...I forgot to look out for number 1
and almost lost it all.

Turns out, there is an art to losing...

Hide, I can hear you breathe.

There is a certain point in life, when you think your pain is more valid than any other pain. That point, I have learnt, is my reminder to come back to myself. Not to say what you are going through is not big enough or worth the emotion you give it, but to say, I have seen tornadoes, walked through fire and drowned myself often enough to know, it is not worth taking someone with you. Burning flames do not burn less just because there is someone else burning with you (Don't be technical about it).

Coming from a troubled past and still battling with psychological issues, most of which I am aware of, I am more in tune with who I am, what triggers me and what brings me back to me. I have walked the medical route, I have felt the spiritual realm, I have physically exhausted myself of feelings and been the advocate of felt pain you can describe versus the feeling of, 'My heart is being ripped out of my chest and I cant put it back together... I cannot breathe, and I feel empty but I am alive so I must be breathing'. Like I said, I know me better now, to know to leave hell just as the AC starts to die down.

My fear is being your savior, for I am no good Samaritan. I know nothing of kindness, selflessness and healing. I will reign havoc and bring terror to the learning soul. How can one expect mercy from a character that carries a particular soul for a specific job. The voices in my head do not allow it and I forbid it. How do you go looking for comfort in a place whereby my own monsters sometimes hide because they are terrified of the actual being. I am not here for you and  no one is coming for you. Only you can save yourself.

And still, I do not have a song for this one...

You know what you usually do after a painful goodbye...
You write it out,
I write it out?
Yes, you write it down and allow yourself to feel.

All I found today was:

“I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm.”― Benedict Smith

Unfortunately I want to feel this one,
like a memory so close to my heart,
I fear I am not grieving the loss of you,
But a reminder of a love I once had,
The devil I once knew...
The only love I will ever know.

Birth of a Dynasty

Today I almost bent, bent to the will of another. 

Today I almost sold my soul, all for the price of a comfy home and a garden.

Today I almost lied, lied to further perpetuate that which is considered normal.

Today I should have walked away, I almost got caught up in a dream.

I am Mansa Nangi,

First of her kind and the only one.

Nations have been named after me and so will be,

But I do not need a second to be immortal.

For remember, my fate was long forged in the Mashovhele valley,

Where voices were heard in the deepest of pools…

My name was called and sanctified!

I was deemed enough and worthy as is,

And it is time I believe that.

I renounce the use of “You need this and that to be complete”,

Who said I wasn’t born whole?

For I was born by candle light in the longest, coldest winter night,

Saved by the hand that fed me and taught me to be.

Even if she forgot, I was not born to bend!

If I do bend, I will resent not you, but myself.

I cannot lie because that comes with expectations and I owe no one nothing.

My life is mine, Melody is mine and mine alone.

If you ever get to share in the dance, consider yourself blessed.

For I will birth fire, and it shall not be thwarted by mere mortals.

It will bath in waterfalls and make humanity fall to their knees.

For hers is to never be forgotten.

But try me once more… And you will not forget me.

Aging gracefully

How does one become recognised in a world where insignificance is notorious... Where insignificance is synonymous with existing. Being alive.How do you live out your days to die a notorious death.To end up like everyone else... insignificantly dead. I find myself paralyzed by the fear of being nothing. I know they say your family will always keep you alive in memory, but even they forget... I do not even know who my great grandfather was, let alone my own maternal grandfather's name... Just a sperk in this life journey.

I recently celebrated a birthday. I was not anxious about aging for once. I was quite anxious about growing alone as a whole. More around conversations of complements and growth. Truth is I know I need a change and yet something holds me back. I am scared of offending people, I am scared to find out who is watching, I am scared of having to explain myself, I'm just solely scared of being misunderstood, of not doing all I wanted to because I was scared of the response, the reception...the result. I need to study again (Some sort of qualification/accreditation) yet I keep wondering, do I wanna do it because I want to, because everyone expects me to, to prove to myself that I can do it or because everyone else is doing it? What is the right and wrong answer to this? is there even one? Should there even be one!

I mean, what started out as a year of adventure slowly became self preservation, turned into celibacy, and a whole other bu.. let me not cuss... All in all, it ended up being mostly driven by both fear and actualisation. Which in turn is a confusing period for me because how does one embrace getting old and still shy away from mistakes. I guess I dubbed it my period of growth, learning, the journey... But aren't we always learning and growing? How good is growth and learning if it comes from stagnation? I need me to allow me to make mistakes. To be okay with failing. To be okay with truly living, whatever the definition. To be okay with other peoples views. To know my own views and let those be my guide. To let me let me make those decisions fearfully fearlessly. To owning the beautiful mess I am. To aging gracefully.

I am not scared of this thing called life. I guess I am scared of being seen, yet I do not want to be insignificant.